Full Circle

[CW/TW: mention of suicidality, emotional/child abuse]

I stand in my kitchen on the Sunday morning of Pride weekend 2023, listening to the sounds of coffee brewing and my partner playing his singing bowls. He's livestreaming the first sound bath held in the community center that he and his business partners have been working on opening for the last six months. (And I helped!)

As he opens the sound bath, he asks everyone to consider what healing in community looks like. My first thought is "You're doing it right now, love." And I realize: so am I.

I remember the last time I got to listen to him play his singing bowls. It was last year, I think. He was in my spare room, where he'd set up his webcam and greenscreen. He was originally planning to host a sound bath for our local trans community in person, but when someone made a threat of gun violence on a social media post advertising the event, he moved the event to a virtual format to keep everyone safe.

Seeing him now holding this healing space in person makes me feel so proud of him. It feels like a moment where he's come full circle.

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In therapy this week I spent some time with my inner 9-year-old. I realized that twenty years had passed since my first experience of suicidality, and the first time I learned that it wasn't safe to express my most authentic emotions in my own words.

I remember holding on even more tightly to dance after that. I remember dreaming of escape, freedom, and self-determination. I told myself that if I made it to 18, I'd move away and become a dance teacher, and maybe even start my own dance studio someday.

I refill my coffee as I remember that I am already living the wildest dreams of my childhood self. And I realize that this is the first time I’ve had space to teach dance classes every week since I came out as trans. It feels like a moment where I've come full circle, too.

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I drive back to Connect, where I spend some time writing from my favorite spot on the floor couch as he greets visitors from the neighborhood and stretches between clients. I realize that this place is starting to feel like home, and this home is something he and I helped build together.

I remember a moment from the grand opening celebration the night before - he and I were the only two people dancing together. Sharing that moment of connected joy made me fall in love with him all over again. I wish I had stayed and danced with him for longer.

I check my memories from social media and realize it's been 4 years since he and I were crowned Pride Royalty. Two years since he sat on my couch baseball bat in hand while my abusive ex moved out. And in the six months since we became romantic partners, we whole ass opened a community wellness center.

So sharing this quiet time and space with one another on a Sunday afternoon feels like a full circle moment for us, too.

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